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Monday, March 29, 2010
“Thank you. Thank you” Nicole can hear the young woman
saying before reaching the car. Her voice sounded as young as her face, soft
and sweet. “You wouldn’t believe how many people just keep…” The young woman
pauses as she looks inside the car at Nicole. Her eyes widen then blink rapidly
as she gently shakes her head. “Sorry, I expected it to be a guy. Never had a
chick give me a lift before.”
Nicole gives the young woman a kind smile. “We chicks gotta
stick together.” The young woman giggles clearly insincere. “Yeah that’s
right.” Tossing her backpack into the back the young woman sits down and closes
the door. Nicole smiles, nods her head then continues down the interstate. After
a few moments of silence Nicole looks over towards the young woman. She can see
the dirt from the road on her face and something else. What looked to be a
bruise on her left cheek. It looked recent no more than a few days old. Her
dark red hair tied back into a pony tail reminded her of Lola.
“You headed to Chicago?”
Nicole asks. The young woman turns looking out of her window. “Yes, my parents
live there.” Nicole reaches out her hand towards the young woman. “I’m Nicole”
The young woman slowly turns towards Nicole. She looks down at Nicole’s hand
waiting to shake hers. She looks as if she is thinking about whether she should
shake hands or not.
The young woman looks up towards Nicole and smiles shaking
her hand. “Nina” Feeling a bit more relaxed Nicole rests her left arm on the
cars window edge. “So you hitch hike a lot?” Nicole asks. Nina’s face takes on
a puzzled look as she slightly turns her head toward Nicole. “What makes you
say that?”
“Oh, it’s just that. When you got in you said you had never
had a woman give you a lift before.” Nina turns looks outside her window again
“Yeah, I never use to hitch hike until I left home.” Even though Nicole does
not know this woman it peaks her interest to find a young lady hitch hiking
state to state. “Why did you leave home?” Nicole asks. Nina does not answer. “I’m sorry. You don’t
know me I shouldn’t be asking…” “It’s ok” Nina interrupts.
“I left home because I was stupid. At the time I didn’t
think so but I know so now.” Nina lets out a slight laugh from under her
breath. “Now that I think about it I’m pretty typical. Upper middle class
parents, I had pretty much everything I wanted. I guess when you have a life
like that you tend not to appreciate it. Or maybe it was just me. I didn’t even
know what I wanted. I just knew I wouldn’t find it at home. So I came up with
the brilliant idea to hitch hike across the country and ended up in Wisconsin.”
Nicole wanted her to continue. She didn’t understand why but
she wanted to know what this young woman went through, but she was scared to
continue asking questions. The two women sat quietly in the car as they
continued down the interstate. After several miles and several minutes of
silence Nicole slightly turns her head towards Nina just in time to catch Nina
turning away from her. “She’s been looking at me” Nicole thinks to herself.
Over the next fifth teen minuets Nicole catches Nina staring
at her at least six times. Nicole can feel that Nina wants to talk about
something but like Nicole is scared to start. As the two enter Chicago’s city limits Nicole decides to ask
the question. “What made you decide to return home?” Nina stares ahead looking
out the window. “I made a mistake” Nina pauses then continues. “I guess I
watched too many movies and believed I could start a new life just by getting
away from my parents.”
“It started off well enough. I met a group of college kids
going up to Great America. They invited me along and paid for everything. I met
an older guy who gave me a ride to Milwaukee,
I was on a roll.” Nina looks down at her feet again. “It’s after I arrived in Milwaukee everything feel
apart. I was robbed the first night there. He would have raped me if someone
hadn’t come along.” Nina sighs. “I guess I thought my looks would pay my way,
but by the second week I had nothing and was living on the street.”
“I was willing to try anything to get some money and to not
go home with my tail between my legs. A woman I met on the street told me about
a bar where the high paid business men went. She told me they were a sure thing
and would be safe. Most of them had wives so they wouldn’t try anything and
would pay well. I went there but I felt sick to my stomach. I just sat in the
comer drinking water.”
Nina looks over a Nicole her eyes welling up with tears.
Nicole could see the pain in her eyes and reaches over touching her arm to
comfort her. “I wasn’t even looking for anyone.” Nicole takes her eyes off the
road looking directly at Nina. “Was he the one who did this to you” Nicole says
as she brushes her hand across Nina’s cheek.
“Look out!” Nina screams. Nicole turns her eyes back towards
the road to see a stalled car in front of her. Nicole slams on the breaks but
it is too late. The Camaro rams into the back of the stalled car. The front
windshield shatters spraying glass into the car. Nicole’s head smashes against
the steering wheel knocking her unconscious. Nina reaches over to check on
Nicole when she hears the sounds of a truck’s air breaks. She turns around to
see a massive semi on a collision course with the car. In the last second
before impact Nina looks once more at Nicole and whispers “I’m sorry”
Friday, March 26, 2010
INT. MORNING JOE COFFEE SHOP - MORNING
Through a follow-up conversation with Anthony, Jonathan
has come to the conclusion that Anthony has either broken
up with his internet girlfriend or it was all a hoax.
Gathering Kyle,Kim and Lola together they head over to
the morning joe coffee shop.
Waiting for over a half hour for Anthony to
arrive the group begins talking about random topics while
seated around a circular table near the entrance of the semi
full store.
LOLA
(To Kyle) How did your interview go
this morning?
KYLE
I had the job I swear I did.
Yesterday I met with the lead
technician and everything went
perfect.
KIM
So what happened?
KYLE
This morning I meet with a totally
new guy. He said he just had a few
follow up questions. I tell him
fine shoot.
Kyle takes a deep breath.
KYLE (CONT'D)
He asks me why I would want the
job.
JONATHAN
Did you tell him because you need
money?
KYLE
I wanted to but I was playing it
cool. I gave him the default good
employee answer. Then you won't
believe what he asked me?
LOLA
Are you a Nazi?
KIM
Are you gay?
KYLE
No! Fuck you! He asked me how to
make a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich. Who the fuck asks a
question like that?
KIM
So what did you say?
KYLE
I was stunned for a second, then I
told him that you take two pieces
of bread put peanut butter on one
and jelly on the other and put them
together.
LOLA
That sounds right to me.
KYLE
It does right? But no, not for him.
He said he wanted me to break it
down for him.
JONATHAN
Break it down how?
KYLE
Step by step like I was teaching it
to a robot. He said I didn't have
attention to detail.
KIM
So you're not getting the job?
KYLE
I dunno, I'm going to talk to the
first interviewer because that is
bull-shit.
JONATHAN
You should have told him you make
your women cook, that's always the
right answer.
Lola gives Jonathan a stern look then grabs his balls.
JONATHAN (CONT'D)
No baby, no!
LOLA
Yes baby, yes!
KIM
I was asked what a flux capacitor
was once, but I was doing a review
for the Back to the Future DVD.
LOLA
We need to focus on what we are
going to ask Anthony about when he
arrives.
KYLE
I think he made the woman up
personally.
KIM
I don't think so, I saw the way he
looked when talking about her,
she's real.
JONATHAN
I close my eyes and jack off too,
but it isn't real.
LOLA
Who do you jack off to?
JONATHAN
You know baby, Angelina Jolie.
LOLA
That's fine. I think of Vin Diesel.
KYLE
Vin Disesel is a douche.
LOLA
Who do you jack off to?
KIM
Hitler?
KYLE
No! I don't jack off, haven't in a
long time.
JONATHAN
Bull-shit!
KYLE
It's true, my girl got me a Chinese
book that teaches you about
controlling your ejaculations and
it says not to jerk off if you are
getting some regularly.
LOLA
Controlling how?
KYLE
Lasting longer, keeping erect, oh
and shooting your load long
distances!
KIM
What?
KYLE
Yeah! I can shoot mine six feet!
KIM
Okay, I don't want to hear anymore.
JONATHAN
Impressive. I always figured that
was what the small of a woman's
back was for.
Lola punches Jonathan in the arm.
LOLA
Fucker, I still owe you for doing
that.
Anthony enters the cafe and walks toward the group.
JONATHAN
Alright, play it cool and don't let
him know what I told you. Bring it
up slowly, okay?
Anthony sits down at the table cracking a half smile.
ANTHONY
Hey!
KYLE
Yeah so like I was saying. Back in
high school I was dating this girl
and she wanted to make out one day
and I was down for that, but I had
to be at work in like fifteen
minutes so we are kissing and stuff
and then she wants to give me a
blow job.
Everyone looks quietly at Kyle.
KYLE (CONT'D)
I tell her that I have to go
because I can't be late again, but
she starts going down on me so I'm
like fuck it, who passes up a blow
job.
JONATHAN
Not I.
KYLE
Right. So she finishes and I shoot
right in her face, by accident.
LOLA
Accident, right.
KYLE
I look at the clock and I have like
five minutes to get to work so I
tell her thanks and leave.
KIM
At least you thanked her.
KYLE
I get to work just in time and I
notice my phone has like five
messages on it. They are all from
her. She says next time just leave
me some money since I'm nothing but
a whore to you.
JONATHAN
You should at least tip.
KYLE
I'm pissed all day at work and when
I get home she want's to make up
with sex so once again I say fuck
it and I, well...fucked it.
ANTHONY
This should end well.
KYLE
We have sex and during some furious
doggy-style I keep thinking about
her messages and get pissed off
again.
JONATHAN
Did you donkey punch her?
KYLE
I should have. Instead I pulled out
and turned her around and boom
right in the face, then I pulled
out some singles and threw them in
her face.
KIM
Oh my God, tell me you didn't
really do that?
ANTHONY
Uh, where did you get the dollar
bills from?
KYLE
Oh back then I kept money in my
socks.
ANTHONY
And you have sex with your socks
on?
KYLE
I did in high school. After having
to run out of a bunch of girls
homes I decided to keep my socks on
because I seem to have the most
trouble putting my socks on in a
hurry.
LOLA
I guess that makes sense in a sick
demented kind of way. So what did
she do.
KYLE
I don't know she was crazy and
after doing it I was scared and ran
out.
ANTHONY
Good thing you had your socks on.
KIM
Kyle I have a question. Have you
ever dated an African-America
woman?
KYLE
You asking me out? If so I am down
with the swirl.
KIM
No! I was just wondering with the
German background and all.
KYLE
Hey, in the interest of race
relations I would have no problem
boning a black chick. We are all
mut's anyway right?
Kim lowers her head.
KIM
I regret asking the question.
KYLE
(To Anthony) I have a question for
you.
Jonathan waves his hands towards Kyle.
KYLE (CONT'D)
This mystery chick, she real or
not?
JONATHAN
Smooth, real smooth.
Anthony looks at Jonathan then slowly turns towards Kyle.
ANTHONY
Define real.
JONATHAN
I'll tell you something real. Back
in the day I had this thing about
being touched. Basically no one
could touch me unless I know that
they are there or I might attack
them.
KIM
Where did this come from?
JONATHAN
So I'm sleeping on the floor during
the remnants of a party and my girl
at the time...
LOLA
What number Karen?
JONATHAN
Uh, two I believe. So Karen two
comes over and decided to lay down
next to me. See the problem was
that I was wasted since earlier and
was trying to get some sleep and
people kept waking me up so I was
really pissed.
KYLE
Uh huh.
JONATHAN
So she starts spooning me and I
thought someone was playing around
with me so in my sleep I turn over
wrap my arm around her neck and
start choking her out. She starts
gasping and flailing like a fish
and people at the party and trying
to wake me up and pull me off her.
She stopped breathing before they
woke me up.
LOLA
Well she obviously didn't die, what
happened.
JONATHAN
We made up, after she was released
from the hospital.
ANTHONY
Wow, just wow!
KIM
And the point of that story was?
JONATHAN
I dunno know.
KYLE
Forget all this. We are all friends
right?
KIM
Well...
KYLE
Right. So Anthony, either you have
a girl or not, which is it?
Everyone at the table stares at Anthony. Anthony looks at
Jonathan who shrugs his shoulders. Anthony closes his eyes
takes a deep breath then opens them.
ANTHONY
Alright, the girl on the
internet... she wasn't real.
KYLE
Mother fucker I knew it!
ANTHONY
I was tired of you guys making fun
of me so I made her up, sorry.
KIM
I actually stood up for you. I
should have known better.
LOLA
That's sad, at your age especially.
KYLE
You think we made fun of you
before, you just wait you little
dick mother fucker. (Kyle laughs
out loud)
JONATHAN
I don't know what to say.
Anthony stands from the table.
ANTHONY
Hey, I had you all going so deal
with it. Go back to making fun of
me I don't care. I'm going to go
order my coffee.
Anthony walks away.
KYLE
Thank God she was fake. I like it
the way it was.
LOLA
That's not very nice.
KYLE
It's like a donkey punch, good for
the giver, bad for the receiver.
KIM
What's a donkey punch?
KYLE
I'll show you if you want?
KIM
No thanks.
Jonathan stands.
JONATHAN
I'm going to get a refill.
KYLE
Tell Anthony not to get the large
his girly hands can't hold the cup.
Jonathan walks over to Anthony who is standing in line to buy
coffee.
JONATHAN
I know she was real. Why didn't you
tell them the truth?
ANTHONY
It's better this way.
JONATHAN
How so?
ANTHONY
Sometimes you have to take one for
the team to keep things funny.
JONATHAN
That makes no sense at all.
ANTHONY
Maybe not to you.
JONATHAN
So what, we go full circle back to
the way things were.
ANTHONY
Yeah, it's funnier that way.
JONATHAN
I guess it is, Anthony. I guess it
is.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I use to wonder how as a fat child I was so good at dodge ball, and then I remembered I went to a religious school, the only thing they could dodge was reason and scientific truth
Friday, March 19, 2010
Nicole rolls the window down on her vintage nineteen sixty
nine Chevy Camaro. She sticks her head outside letting the summer breeze blow
against her face. Sticking out her tongue as if tasting the Wisconsin
countryside she laughs out loud at her own actions. Putting her head back in
the vehicle Nicole reaches over to turn on the stereo when she hears he cell
phone ringing. Raising her hand to her head Nicole brushes back her hair then
reaches into her denim bag to retrieve the phone.
Pulling the small sliver phone from the bag Nicole smiles as
she looks at a small Picasso painting, the icon she selected for her best
friend.
“Damn Lola I’ve been gone less than an hour, you miss me already?”
Nicole says jokingly.
“If I said yes would you turn around and come home?” Lola
responds in a less jokingly manner. Nicole knows Lola was not looking forward
to her trip and what it represents.
“Lola, I’m getting married not moving to Alaska”
“I’ve heard similar from three other friends or should I say
ex-friends now.” Lola continues “They claim nothing will change, we will still
be like sisters. Then they disappear of the face of the earth.” Lola pauses for
a moment. Nicole is about to say something when Lola continues.
“I don’t mean to be like this it’s just that. Well it’s just
that you’re the last long time friend I have and I don’t want to lose you.” Nicole
can hear the sadness in Lola’s voice. She truly believes that Nicole marriage
spells the end of their friendship. Nicole’s smile fades and is replaced with a
look of concern.
“Lola I would never… as long as we are alive we will always
be friends. This is just the next step in our relationship. I’ve dated Xavier
for five years now. I just believe it is time.” A few moments’ of silence
causes Nicole to look at the phone. The call still shows connected. Rolling up
her window Nicole listens closely, she can hear Lola crying.
“Lola, I didn’t know this affected…” “No, Nicole you’re
right.” Lola interrupts “I’ve dated Haden twice as long as you’ve dated Xavier.
He’s asked me to marry him three times now. I don’t know why I haven’t said
yes.”
“Haden loves you Lola. When you’re ready to take the next
step I’ll be there right beside you.” Nicole can here Lola sniffle then laugh.
“This is so stupid. I don’t know why I get like this sometimes. My best friend
is about to get married and her I am worrying about myself.”
The smile returns to Nicole’s face. “Well you just stop it.
The last thing I need is for my maid of honor to have a gloomy face on my
wedding day.” Nicole leans back farther in her seat. “Listen I didn’t call to
dump my problems on you Nicole. I received a called from the planner. She told
me she hasn’t been able to contact Xavier about the final rehearsal.”
Nicole reaches into her bag pulling out a small electronic
organizer. “He had an emergency a few nights ago, some call from work. A
special project he was working on was having problems. He was really upset over
it.”
“I see, well they wanted to know when you would be back
because they wanted to move the rehearsal to Thursday.” Nicole eyes widen as
she balances holding the phone and steering while typing into her organizer.
“That’s only two days before the wedding.” Nicole sighs then continues. “Well,
that’s fine. I should be in Chicago
within the hour. Once I pick up my mother we’ll be right back on the road. I
would say we should be back by six tonight.”
Another short pause causes Nicole to believe the call had
dropped. “Sorry Nicole, just thinking. I’m surprised Xavier didn’t go with you
to Chicago.”
Dropping the electronic organizer in the passenger seat Nicole pulls the cell
phone from her shoulder. “Normally he would have, but this thing at work has
had him kind of wound up. I gave him the day off to relax before this weekend.”
“Well that was it. Nicole, I am happy for you, really.”
Nicole’s smile widens “Thank you. You know I love you right? When I get back
we’ll do dinner, just us.” “Sound’s good. I’ll see you soon.” Nicole closes the
cell phone and drops it next to her organizer. Relieved that Lola is ok she can
once again relax. Rolling down the window Nicole takes in the fresh air as she
steps on the gas.
Thirty minuets later as Nicole passes the state line into Illinois she sees a
young woman walking on the side of the road. The young woman looks haggard as
if she has been walking for quite a while. Slowing down Nicole looks at the
young woman who barley looks eighteen struggling with a large leather backpack.
She contemplates giving her a ride. Pulling over ahead of the young woman
Nicole reaches over and opens the passenger side door. Gathering the objects on
the seat next to her Nicole tosses them in her back and onto the backseat.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
What is it with Facebook games like Mafia and Farmville. I guess people need to balance their murder and violence with beets and little lost sheep.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
SAMPLES - CLUB AND KITCHEN
On the recommendation of Jackie during the gang's trip to
Orlando, they visit the Samples Club and Kitchen. Jackie
described it as speed dating meets taste testing.
The large warehouse sports a black marble floor and high
ceilings. Cement columns which run from the floor to the
ceiling act as sample and meeting stations.
Each station has a different sample of an appetizer. The idea
being that you have a sample of the food and sample the
people congregating around it. If it doesn't work out, you
move on to the next column.
Arriving an hour, ago Anthony, Kim, Lola, Jonathan and Kyle
decided to have a contest. After a few drinks they would
separate and see how many dates they could pick up.
A date constituted the man or woman agreeing to go over to
the lounge area. A place designated for those who found
someone or came as a couple. The rule was they had to use the
most stupid pickup lines possible and they could not touch
anyone.
Off on their own for over twenty minutes no one has had a
bite. Kyle pounding back his sixth beer sees a young dark
haired woman standing near a column displaying chicken
nachos.
KYLE
I have one question for you babe.
The young woman smiles looking interested.
LIZ
Really, what's that?
KYLE
How would you like to join the
Aryan nation?
The woman looking extremely angry and slaps Kyle across the
face.
LIZ
I'm Jewish you Nazi asshole!
The woman storms off.
KYLE
Wait! I didn't mean it like that!
I'm not racist. Well I am, but not
against you, at the moment. Shit!
On the other side of the club Lola leans against the wall
looking bored as a thirty something year old explains his
affections to her.
YAZ
I knew skipping out on my dragon
raid would be worth it. Who needs
dragon loot when one can feast
their eyes upon a princess.
LOLA
So are you talking Mario Brothers
or what?
YAZ
Never! That game is for children.
No my fair lady, I play a game for
men call Dungeons and Dragons.
LOLA
Didn't someone die playing that
game?
Yaz shakes his head.
YAZ
That was Lineage and he was Korean.
This is an American game and I am
an American, just like you.
LOLA
I'm Colombian.
Yaz stares at Lola for a moment than smiles.
YAZ
That's fine. I am down with that.
Lola looks curiously at Yaz.
LOLA
Down with what?
YAZ
You know.
Yaz winks. Lola shakes her head.
LOLA
No...what?
YAZ
Interracial relationships.
Lola looks somewhat relieved.
LOLA
God, I thought you were going to
say you are a hobbit or something.
YAZ
Actually I am an Orc.
LOLA
Why am I not surprised. Listen,
while I am sure I could easily win
this stupid contest right now, the
thought of walking with you over to
the lounge sickens me to the point
where I can hardly stand.
YAZ
I could carry you.
LOLA
Why don't you carry yourself out of
my face.
Yaz looks upset.
YAZ
I should have stayed home playing
my warrior.
LOLA
Warrior's suck, they have no D.P.S.
Yaz's eyes perk up.
YAZ
How could someone so beautiful know
that D.P.S means damage per second?
Lola shrugs her shoulders.
LOLA
Is that what it means?
Jonathan stands over a tray of hot wings eating one after the
other. Having just received his new prescription glasses he
is in no mood to compete in the contest.
A forty something Russian woman with blond hair and blue eyes
approaches Jonathan.
ANYA
(Heavy Russian accent) You,
American. Your intrigue me.
Jonathan turns towards Anya, his mouth full of food.
JONATHAN
(Muffled due to food in mouth) You
talking to me?
ANYA
Normally I would never pursue a man
with genetic imperfections.
JONATHAN
What?
Jonathan looks puzzled and stared down between his legs.
ANYA
You fool! I am talking about your
poor eyesight. Vision is important
to me.
JONATHAN
Are you K.G.B.?
ANYA
Nyet, I come here to America
searching for a man.
JONATHAN
You know, normally Russian women
come here after they have a man.
Anya smirks at Jonathan.
ANYA
You speak of the mail order bride
yes?
JONATHAN
Uh huh.
ANYA
I do not wish to become American
citizen. I am proud of Russia,
Russian men... I not proud of.
JONATHAN
Small dick's huh?
ANYA
Da. I was told to seek the black
man, but he is too big.
Jonathan chuckles.
JONATHAN
Oh man, if Anthony could hear you
say that.
ANYA
White man too small.
JONATHAN
Be glad Kyle isn't here to hear you
say that.
Anya begins to rub Jonathan's shoulders.
ANYA
I figure the Spaniard would be
good, how you say, compromise.
JONATHAN
Well the truth is...
ANYA
Do you know why I like you
Spaniard?
JONATHAN
I think I'm disqualified.
ANYA
Your skin is dark and you're are
hairy like great Russian bear.
JONATHAN
Okay...
ANYA
Come with me back to Russia and I
will let you eat my caviar.
Jonathan swallows hard and pulls away from Anya.
JONATHAN
Listen, as much as I like Vodka I
am in a relationship. Coming here
was a stupid idea and this was just
a game.
Anya looks shocked and upset.
ANYA
You play games with me. You make me
of fool?
Jonathan raises his index finger.
JONATHAN
No, I...
ANYA
I can make you disappear stupid
Spaniard, but first I will cut your
balls off!
Jonathan turns and runs from the club.
JONATHAN
What's with women and my balls?
Near the bar Kim sits looking thoroughly disgusted and bored.
A young looking Japanese man wearing an Armani suit sits next
to her at the bar.
CHARLIE
(Almost no accent) You look like
you could use some company.
Kim looks towards Charlie then turns away.
KIM
You should look again.
CHARLIE
Don't tell me you have something
against the Japanese.
KIM
Besides some of your awful Anime
and buying up half of America no.
CHARLIE
That's not true.
Kim looks at Charlie.
KIM
I've seen some of your Anime. My
last boyfriend had some, it was
horrible.
CHARLIE
No, what I was saying is we weren't
trying to buy up half of America.
Kim looks away.
KIM
It doesn't matter, I'm in a
relationship.
CHARLIE
It can't be that good if you are
here.
KIM
I'm here because I believed Jackie
when she said this was a good place
to go.
Charlie smiles.
CHARLIE
I know black women like large penis
and I want you to know that the
stereotype isn't true. I have eight
inches baby.
Kim looks back at Charlie slightly disgusted.
KIM
What is your name?
CHARLIE
Charlie.
KIM
Charlie, why don't you have a name
like Yatamoto or something?
CHARLIE
Why don't you have a name like
Saqueeta?
Kim looks slightly upset.
KIM
Saqueeta isn't a real name.
CHARLIE
Tell that to her.
Charlie points across the club to a black woman with red hair
break dancing. Kim looks then turns away.
KIM
Oh my God.
CHARLIE
Baby, I'm rich and I can take care
of you.
KIM
I take care of myself and if I
needed someone to take care of me,
my boyfriend would do that.
CHARLIE
What does your boyfriend do?
KIM
He's a fireman... and a model.
Charlie looks puzzled.
CHARLIE
Is he gay?
Kim throws her hands up in the hair.
KIM
Oh that's it I'm out of here.
Anthony stands just below the DJ station talking to an
extremely hot black haired Caucasian woman.
ANTHONY
So to recap, I have a credit rating
of 813 and have held the same job
for over seven years. I have my own
apartment and car and a bank
account. Now you tell me, why
wouldn't I be perfect for you?
KERRY
You're fat and you're teeth aren't
very white and you're fat and your
clothes don't fit you well and
you're fat and you have two birth
marks just beneath your earlobes,
you look like Frankenstein. Oh...
and you're fat.
Anthony just stares at the woman in shock.
ANTHONY
Alrighty then.
Anthony turns and walks out of the club.
OUTSIDE THE CLUB - NIGHT
Anthony leans up against Kyle's truck in the parking lot
looking depressed.
JONATHAN (O.S.)
Hey, you're alone right?
Anthony looks around for Jonathan finding him lying
underneath Kyle's truck.
ANTHONY
What the hell are you doing down
there?
JONATHAN
The Russian's are coming?
ANTHONY
What?
Jonathan climbs out from under the truck and stands next to
Anthony.
JONATHAN
Tonight was a bad idea.
Anthony lowers his head.
ANTHONY
Tell me about it.
JONATHAN
Besides, for better or worse, we
all have someone so we didn't need
this.
Anthony shakes his head.
ANTHONY
(Depressed) Yeah.
Jonathan pats Anthony on the shoulder.
JONATHAN
I'm going to find the other's. You
stay here and watch out for the
crazy Russian chick.
Jonathan walks away then turns back.
JONATHAN (CONT'D)
By the way, I think it's time we
met your mystery woman. She is real
right?
Jonathan smiles and reenters the club. Anthony stares up into
the night sky.
ANTHONY
She was.
COPYRIGHT 2008 MASCOT STUDIOS
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Here is the next part in J.A. Laraque' stand-up routine.
On the road to stand up fame J.A. begins with a practice screen test to work out material and screen presence. In Part 3 of his stand-up test J.A. talks about the negative result of having a black president on African-American headlines.
Friday, March 5, 2010
DINNER THEATHER EPISODE 8
WRITTEN BY: J.A. LARAQUE
INT. STAKE-A-POPIN RESTURANT
Anthony, Lola, Jonathan, Kim and Kyle sit around a large
wooden table with a white table cloth upon it. It has been a
week since the gang returned from New York.
This is the first meeting the gang has had together since the
night club. As waiters walk by with skewers of various meats
Anthony sits energized at the table. He has been cracking
jokes all night and is very joyful and assertive.
ANTHONY
You know e-harmony really screwed
me.
KIM
Didn't you say you filled out the
profile and out of four million
women they couldn't find you one?
JONATHAN
Damn, what were you asking for,
brains and good looks?
Lola reaches down between Jonathan's legs.
JONATHAN (CONT'D)
No, no baby, no!
ANTHONY
It's true those bastards said that
my compatibility tests did not meet
up to anyone else. See, the thing
is, I thought it was because I put
that I only wanted to meet white
women.
Kim rubs her forehead.
KIM
Oh God.
ANTHONY
Since then, I have watched every e
harmony commercial looking to see
if they ever showed an interracial
couple.
Kyle scratches his head.
KYLE
You know now that you mention it, I
don't remember any either. I don't
think they ever showed any Asian
women either.
JONATHAN
Oh yeah, Asian women are hot.
Jonathan quickly looks over at Lola expecting her to hurt
him.
LOLA
I think many Asian women are hot
too.
KYLE
I've notice Jonathan that Lola has
been punking you out a lot lately.
Does it have anything to do with
you two moving in together?
Jonathan scoffs.
JONATHAN
I still hold the balls!
Lola reaches down toward Jonathan's balls. Jonathan balls up
and cringes. Kyle looks at Jonathan.
KYLE
Are you sure?
ANTHONY
Anyway, several months have gone by
and I had yet to see an interracial
couple. Then a few weeks after I
met my girl, I see one.
KIM
(Sarcastically) Maybe it's fate.
ANTHONY
I think it is. The bad thing is, I
used it for so many jokes and now
that well is dry.
KYLE
I can't stand dry women which is
why I always keep a bottle of lube
on me.
Kyle holds up a bottle of lube. Lola stares at it.
LOLA
Hey, that's the kind I use.
Kyle turns to Anthony.
KYLE
So, when do we get to meet this
mystery woman? As a matter of fact,
why haven't you said her name yet?
KIM
She's real isn't she? I mean I
guess if you were to make up a girl
friend, it would make sense she
would be white, right?
Lola looks at Kim.
LOLA
Is something wrong?
KIM
No.
JONATHAN
Fireman still gay?
KIM
Lola, pinch him please.
ANTHONY
Shes's real, I would just like for
all of you to meet her in person.
Until then I'm staying quiet in
regards to the topic.
LOLA
So what else is happening with you
Anthony? You seem different. I know
meeting someone can have an effect,
but there is something else.
Anthony nods his head.
ANTHONY
Well, okay fine, but you guys will
make fun of me.
JONATHAN
The way you have been acting, we
haven't had much to go on.
ANTHONY
Now you will. As you know, I have
been losing weight. I went to the
doctor and he did some lab tests
and...
KYLE
You have ass cancer.
KIM
Hey, cancer isn't funny.
KYLE
Ass cancer is.
KIM
You know there is such a thing as
rectal cancer, right?
Kyle stares at Kim.
KYLE
Why you gotta be a kill-joy?
ANTHONY
Guys! I have very low testosterone
levels.
Everyone at the table stares at Anthony.
LOLA
Wait, testosterone is what makes a
man a...man.
JONATHAN
So the doctor told you you're a
bitch?
Lola reaches for Jonathan who closes his legs.
KIM
So what does that mean?
ANTHONY
It's not bad. In adult's low
testosterone can lead to depression
and low energy and mood swings and-
KYLE
Sounds like a woman to me.
KIM
Shut up!
LOLA
You know that explains a lot about
you.
JONATHAN
So what's the cure? Do you need to
have a lot of sex or something?
KYLE
If that's the case, he's a dead
man.
ANTHONY
Up yours gay drive by boy!
Kim stares at Anthony.
KIM
Are you... on medication?
KYLE
Oh, strip search time!
Kyle reaches into Anthony's pocket. After a brief struggle,
Kyle pulls a small green packet from Anthony's pocket.
ANTHONY
You're an ass.
JONATHAN
I thought that was me.
LOLA
Don't worry, you're king of the
asses.
KIM
Lord of the-
KYLE
Hey, it's called balzazone! It's
almost like balls in the zone.
That's hilarious!
Kyle begins reading the back of the packet.
KIM
It's a gel?
KYLE
I think it's just man juice.
ANTHONY
Kiss my ass.
KYLE
Sure thing little lady.
JONATHAN
Little?
Kyle returns to reading.
KIM
Is that why you have been losing
weight?
ANTHONY
No. I've been working out on my
treadmill. I've also been seeing a
doctor and he is helping me.
JONATHAN
All this for a girl?
ANTHONY
No. I was doing it before hand. I
don't care what you guys say about
me...not really. I definitely don't
care what the mouth breathing
public thinks, but it was time you
knew.
LOLA
You can get into more sexual
positions when you weigh less.
Anthony stares at Lola.
JONATHAN
I think your penis grows too.
ANTHONY
That's what she said.
JONATHAN
That your penis grows?
ANTHONY
No...that you can do more sexual
positions.
KYLE
(Singing) Don't you wish your girl
was a freak like me?
KIM
Well, congratulations on your
weight loss.
ANTHONY
Thank-
KYLE
Oh my fucking God!
JONATHAN
What?
KYLE
Check out these potential side
effects. May increase semen
production and enlarge the
testicles. Shit, that sounds like a
bonus!
LOLA
So have they?
ANTHONY
What?
LOLA
Gotten bigger.
KIM
Lola?!
LOLA
Just curious.
JONATHAN
You should be careful. I hear porn
stars use that stuff and if you use
too much, it can mutate you.
ANTHONY
Get the fuck out of here.
KYLE
No, I think it's true. Check this
out. It says do not apply directly
to the testicles.
KIM
Who the hell would do that?
JONATHAN
Porn stars.
ANTHONY
Kyle.
KYLE
Hell yeah I would!
LOLA
What kind of mutations?
JONATHAN
You ever seen a porno where the guy
has only one ball?
LOLA
Yeah?
JONATHAN
There you go.
KIM
What? No!
KYLE
I believe him.
ANTHONY
You'd believe anything.
KYLE
Listen, seriously. I know I talk a
lot of shit, but hey, you never
know what this stuff is doing to
you. It could change who you are.
Six months from now you could be a
completely different person.
Anthony stares ahead thinking.
JONATHAN
Yeah, he could go from two balls to
one.
Everyone at the table but Anthony laughs.
ANTHONY
You know I do feel more outgoing. I
mean, when talking to... my girl,
we just go with the flow. It's like
I've known her for years.
KIM
I don't think that's the medicine.
LOLA
I think you're smitten.
Jonathan stares at Lola.
LOLA (CONT'D)
It's a word bitch, look it up!
ANTHONY
Honestly, I do-
Anthony's phone rings.
ANTHONY (CONT'D)
It's her. I'll meet you guys
outside.
Everyone at the table looks at Anthony as he stands and
leaves.
KIM
If he's happy then I'm happy for
him.
JONATHAN
Do you think he will become a
different person?
KYLE
I don't know, maybe.
Lola stares at the center of the table.
LOLA
I think he already has.
KIM
Why?
Lola points at a stack of money in the center of the table.
LOLA
He paid... for everyone.
KYLE, KIM & JONATHAN
He what?!
COPYRIGHT 2008 MASCOT STUDIOS
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